apple-eyes

25 years ago today he was taken from my life …. I miss him… I love him and will never forget how much he taught me in such a short time.

Is the path for migrating monarchs!

Not going to let people tell me what to do anymore….

Refusing to leave bed….

Constant rotation after a very intense week…
Washed Out

He made me badass!

Driving … I don’t know what I am doing anymore and I especially don’t know why…

Road trip to clear my head begins soon… Then movin,Brooklyn- changes, so many changes!

“What is the feeling when you’re driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it’s the too huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.”- Kerouac

I found my Devine feminine …. My chakra work.

Everything is going to be ok….

I found a magic shell

But hey what else am I going to do?

Still recovering….

Pain hurts so much

Because the pain is too much….

Home after surgery….

Grad school is coming to and end… Thesis … Your Mindfulness is keeping me going, yet I still miss you JS and this is the only way I can let you know… If you’ll ever know..

So after a year of taking photos of myself I thought when it all came to and end I would be so thankful to not have to photograph myself again. In some ways this is true, in other ways, I miss the challenge. I also miss documenting my life and my feelings.I got much more out of this than just working on accepting my physical appearance, I found where I struggle, where my sadness lies, where my happiness is and where my heart is.I have gone back and viewed my process and progress over this past year and I am amazed by the changes that have occurred. During the process I noticed small changes, but looking back now I can see that I moved forward and regressed and moved forward again. Each time I felt there was a challenge to overcome I confronted it, much like I do with everything in life.

I confronted myself by not only looking at my body, but my emotions. It took a lot for me to show myself in some of the ways that I did. There are days I don’t like  seeing myself in the shower,most people don’t even think about “looking” at themselves in the shower, but I do. Picking apart my body piece by piece, not wanting to leave the house. So some of the challenges were not because I thought I looked good, but because I had to do it, I had to see my body and my face with and without the veils of clothes and emotions.

A few events from this past year that have impacted my life dominate some of the photos. The loss of my cat , Thom, was a major impact. He was my unconditional friend and I miss him dearly.It is still very difficult to look at the photos from that time because he was ill for so long. He brought me happiness when I needed it most.

The other major impact was the end of a long time friendship , someone I held very close to my heart. Looking at the photos from when this relationship was cut short is almost unbearable and I am surprised that I was able to document it.I still question how the ending is permanent and I think of him everyday. Some music just isn’t the same anymore without him.

While the  losses have made an major impact in my life, I can step back and view all of the positive things. I finished another year of grad school and only have thesis left(only?). I moved a friend to a better place. I reconnected with a very dear friend and cherish every moment of our time together. I took two adventures alone this year!Driving south! I made new friends, yes this is a big deal for me. I adopted a new kitty, Lenny!!!!! I got more tattoos, they are my beauty! I made boundaries with some people in my life who suck me dry, mentally and physically. I stayed true to myself! I finished a project of photographing myself for 365 days!!!

So what’s next….a photo a day everyday…but I do not have to be in it! I still need to stay creative and I enjoy documenting my life, it’s my therapy!

This will start soon, so stay tuned!!

When you see, when you hear, when you smell, when you taste, when you touch — everything is beauty, just as it is.

This is my body and I have to accept it…This is my face and I have to accept it

This is me…do I accept it?

thus I found out I am somewhat allergic to the contrast…and now my head hurts more than before. Worth it?

it may seem like I don’t think about you, but I do everyday

I don’t know how to make it any easier…because time isn’t making it better

is more than what my heart can handle

there won’t be posts for a few days…I am running away, it seems like the right thing to do…

but will continue to take photos. Check back to see the progress…

gone either way

yes I should know better…

Now I don’t see you anymore.

I know you’re forgetting about me and there is nothing I can do about it.

sweeter than the days that I was breathing

I’ve got a secret or two, Hiding somewhere but it won’t take long

you and me then?

reading the letters we wrote …through out all the years. They always said we’d stay gold.

“You’d lay in your bed and quietly sing
And while the feeling still rings true
The words are fading, fading into
A clouded view”

On my way back home A chance I thought of,

Oh my favorite song Where I’d gone wrong.

And when you come around again, I could tell you everything, I don’t want to lose, Even if you’re just a friend

But if you fade away,Was it my mistake? I’m begging on my knees Recovering this lost memory

somewhere else you see, in another life, in another time

You look into my eyes you see the saddest look you’ve ever seen.
Is that really you breaking me?

The night looks like day…So please don’t say it will be alright.

I’m not sure how much more I can’t put here…I can’t and don’t understand why and  I keep replaying it all in my mind. So many years gone…and I can’t hold back the tears

why can’t you look me in the eye…whisper “don’t cry”

when I asked you to smile for me ..I meant it…and now that’s gone

I don’t think I can put myself out there anymore…this is all getting to be too much and too much of me is showing through…Things never can stay the same and unfortunately I always learn things the hard way.I can’t let the tears roll down my face as I do this anymore and I can’t let go of things I don’t want to let go of… Is it fair to always see me and never see you? my struggle… my journey… my life…tears fill the pages of each chapter…

and the night…It  isn’t what it used to be…the music is gone and the beauty in sound had dissipated…it’s hard just to get by

it can’t be a final goodbye…because I can’t handle that…

it hurts and I don’t like it anymore…

cause I always say I love you
When I mean turn out the light.
And I say let’s run away
When I just mean stay the night.

I have to look at myself…in order to change how I feel about myself

hopefully it will be fixed soon…but here is the photo for the day

I miss Thom so much…Lenny is becoming a good friend..he seems to like my arm a lot…